#1

We all stood there rooted to the ground as we watched her. Nobody said a word. Nor was there a need to. The atmosphere spoke for itself.

She looked so serene, as if she was having the best dream of her life.

She used to have this intense, steely gaze that spoke of a time where she stood as the matriarch of the family. It was this glare that I remember the most. The one that sent shivers down my spine whenever I misbehaved or tried to get by her with a lie. Days of practicing my poker face were useless whenever I watched her scrunch her face up in anger, and I was left a sobbing mess, profusely repeating ‘下一次不会了， 下一次不会了’(it won’t happen again, it won’t happen again).

Of course, there was more than a fair share of the good times I had spent with her. I loved my weekly swimming lessons not just because she was always intently watching me swim, but mostly because of the after swim treat of ice cream. It never failed to spoil my appetite for dinner but I loved it anyway, because come on, it’s ice cream. She would then be left with an earful from my mum, for spoiling me like that, leaving her profusely repeating ‘下一次不会了，下一次不会了’.

As we grew older, we grew further apart as well. She slept a lot more than she used to. I stayed awake a lot longer than I used to. She spent most of her time at home, while I spent most of mine out and about. Our conversations grew increasingly sparse, leaving us with the customary greetings and the perennial favourite phrase among those of Chinese descent, “你吃饱了吗” (have you eaten). 

I never noticed the numerous wrinkles that were spreading across her face, nor how her hands were trembling more than ever.  I was oblivious to how small and frail she was getting, how much she was starting to bend over, like that of a weakened tree.

There were days where I was forced to bring her to the hospital for checkups but most of them were met with impatience and grumbling on my part. I never thought much about what she was going through or thinking about as she sat in front of the tv, either dozing off or eyes glued to the screen.

Did she live her last days happy and contented, or was she just waiting to finally meet Death with a kiss and a hug?

I stood there with my relatives around me, all possibly absorbed in their own memories with grandma.

How ironic is it that the time she left us, is the time we thought about her. The time we lose her, is the time we miss her the most. I’m sorry grandma, I’m sorry for not being a better grandson.  I hope you’ll give me a chance to be better grandson the next time we meet in heaven.  In the meantime, I hope you’ll continue to live in the memories of the ones you’ve touched.